stupid jokes

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R

RcWheeling

Active Member
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Location
Lacrosse Wi
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give
me twenty shots of your best scotch, and make it quick!"

The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks
them as fast as he can.

The bartender remarks, "I've never seen anybody drink
that fast!"

The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if
you had what I have."

"What's that?" asks the bartender.

"Only fifty cents!"








Three men answered and ad for CIA agents. The ad stated
the men were to bring their wives.

The first man was called in for the interview. The Agent
in charge handed him a gun, then said, "We must have
absolute loyalty in this service. Take your wife in the
next room and shoot her."

The man looked shocked. He thought and said "I'm afraid I
can't do that. I just got married 2 weeks ago and I still
love my wife." He left.

The second man came in and the agent gave him the same
pitch. The man, almost in tears said, "Oh no. I can't do
that to her, she's about to have a baby." So he left.

The third man entered and was given the pitch. So he took
the gun and his wife into the next room. Soon "bam bam
bam bam bam!" Then there was noise of furniture being
broken, woman's screams, then nothing. The man comes
back out.

The agents asked, "What went on in there??!!"

The man said: "Some idiot put blanks in the gun
so I strangled her!"
 
A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.
The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


'Your card! Show him Your card!'
 
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand,
tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from
his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.

"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He
was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice
"I ... I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with
your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your
Mother!" "I know" Becky whispered softly.
"That's why I poisoned you."
 
A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped
down on the couch in front of the television, and told his
wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said, "Get me another
beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it
down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes
later said, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to
start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do
tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're
nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said, "It's started."
 
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of
flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed
card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It
was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong
card.

"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman
and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to
a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

The florist read the card, "Congratulations on your new
location."
 
a man walks into a gas station and says can i pay for 10$ worth of gas, the clerk replys with a giant fart and hands him a reciept.
 
A sister and brother are talking to each other when
the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa
and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a
frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell
Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and
says, "Please make
a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and
I'm telling you no."

The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make
a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog
noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when
you croak we can go to Disney world!"
 
"Blonde Convention"

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium
for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader
says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that
blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde
gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up
to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000
blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her
another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone
to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we
have the world-wide press and global broadcast media
here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets
out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde
starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave
their hands shouting, "Give her another chance! Give her
another chance!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm
than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more
chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually
says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all
80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp
their feet and scream...

"Give Her Another Chance! Give Her Another
Chance!"
















A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and
cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where
the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know
what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to
the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says,
"Ask him again where the money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know
where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is
hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you
don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
 
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